66 Funny Winston Churchill Quotes That Are Both Witty & Hilarious

In this post, we have collected some of the best and funny Winston Churchill quotes that are both savage and hilarious.

Winston Churchill was one of the most influential British politicians of the 20th century and was known for his witty remarks and savage comebacks.

Here are some of the funniest Winston Churchill quotes and one liners to make your day!

Funny Winston Churchill Quotes & One Liners

1. “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

2. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”

3. “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”

4. “If Hitler invaded hell I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.”

5. “Russia is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.”

6. “We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English.”

7. “Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.”

8. “If you have an important point to make, don’t try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time – a tremendous whack.”

9. “Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.”

10. “We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.”

11. “I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”

12. “I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”

13. “A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.”

14. “Some people regard private enterprise as a predatory tiger to be shot. Others look on it as a cow they can milk. Not enough people see it as a healthy horse, pulling a sturdy wagon.”

15. “I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.”

16. “Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.”

17. “It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.”

18. “Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.”

19. “I’m just preparing my impromptu remarks.”

21. “This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.”

22. “A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen.”

23. “To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.”

24. “When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.”

25. “If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.”

26. “We are all worms. But I believe that I am a glow-worm.”

27. “I am easily satisfied with the very best.”

28. “If the Almighty were to rebuild the world and asked me for advice, I would have English Channels round every country. And the atmosphere would be such that anything which attempted to fly would be set on fire.”

29. “It is always wise to look ahead, but difficult to look further than you can see.”

30. “I like a man who grins when he fights.”

31. “They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds.”

32. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”

33. “If you are going to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.”

34. “He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”

35. “There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.”

36. “I am certainly not one of those who need to be prodded. In fact, if anything, I am the prod.”

37. “My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.”

38. “The first quality that is needed is audacity.”

39. “Don’t talk to me about naval tradition. It’s nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash.”

40. “My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.”

41. “’No comment’ is a splendid expression. I am using it again and again.”

42. “I cannot pretend to be impartial about the colours. I rejoice with the brilliant ones, and am genuinely sorry for the poor browns.”

43. “I have been brought up and trained to have the utmost contempt for people who get drunk.”

44. “Eating words has never given me indigestion.”

45. “Study history, study history. In history lies all the secrets of statecraft.”

46. “Meeting Franklin Roosevelt was like opening your first bottle of champagne; knowing him was like drinking it.”

47. “Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.”

48. “The British nation is unique in this respect. They are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst.”

49. “Short words are best and the old words when short are best of all.”

50. “I always avoid prophesying beforehand, because it is a much better policy to prophesy after the event has already taken place.”

51. “For my part, I consider that it will be found much better by all parties to leave the past to history, especially as I propose to write that history myself.”

52. “In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.”

53. “Baldwin thought Europe was a bore, and Chamberlain thought it was only a greater Birmingham.”

54. “Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”

55. “The nose of the bulldog has been slanted backwards so that he can breathe without letting go.”

56. “A good speech should be like a woman’s skirt; long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.”

57. “A joke is a very serious thing.”

58. “An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, “If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea.” Churchill’s response, “Ma’am if you were my wife I would drink it.”

59. “Tell His Lordship: I’m sealed on The Privy and can only deal with one shit at a time”

60. “When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone.”

61. “Mr Churchill, to what do you attribute your success in life? Conservation of energy. Never stand up when you can sit down. And never sit down when you can lie down.”

62. “Any man under 30 who is not a liberal has no heart, and any man over thirty who is not a conservative has no brains.”

63. “War is a game that is played with a smile. If you can’t smile, grin. If you can’t grin, keep out of the way till you can.”