In this post, we have collected some of the most funny presidential quotes that are worth a read!
Who said presidents can’t say something funny? This list contains the most witty and downright hilarious remarks by the Presidents of the United States.
Let’s read the best and most funny presidential quotes of all times!
Funny Presidential Quotes
1. “Blessed are the young, for they will inherit the national debt.” – Herbert Hoover
2. “If I don’t have a woman for three days, I get terrible headaches.” – John F. Kennedy
3. “Jerry Ford is so dumb that he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.” – Lyndon B. Johnson
4. “If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” – Abraham Lincoln
5. “You don’t know how to lie. If you can’t lie, you’ll never go anywhere.” – Richard Nixon
6. “I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.” – Jimmy Carter
7. “When they call the roll in the Senate, the senators do not know whether to answer ‘present’ or ‘not guilty.’” – Theodore Roosevelt
8. “If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.” – Harry S. Truman
9. “There is nothing left to do but get drunk.” – Franklin Pierce
10. “I have long enjoyed the friendship and companionship of Republicans because I am by instinct a teacher and I would like to teach them something.” – Woodrow Wilson
11. “If I had another face, do you think I’d wear this one?” – Abraham Lincoln
12. “I don’t know whether it’s the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system.” – Bill Clinton
13. “Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.” – Ronald Reagan
14. “Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” – Ronald Reagan
15. “I am not fit for this office and should never have been here.” – Warren Harding
16. “Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.” – Bill Clinton
17. “Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again–just watch. He can do much better!” – Donald Trump
18. “Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country.” – George W. Bush
19. “Now we can go back to focusing on the issues that matter, like where is Biggie and Tupac?” – Barack Obama
20. “Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for ‘That One.’ And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn’t think I’d ever run for president.” – Barack Obama
21. “People say I’m indecisive, but I don’t know about that.” – George W. Bush
22. “These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, ‘Intelligence Briefing.’” – George W. Bush
23. “I’m the least racist person you have ever interviewed.” – Donald Trump
24. “I don’t like broccoli. And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m the president of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.” – George W. Bush
25. “For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex – uh, setbacks.” – George W. Bush
26. “My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician.” – Harry S. Truman
27. “No man who ever held the office of president would congratulate a friend on obtaining it.” – John Adams
28. “Pints are very inconvenient in this house as champagne is not used in such small quantities.” – James Buchanan
29. “My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I have just signed legislation outlawing Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.” – Reagan
30. “If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America.” – Donald Trump
31. “If it were not for the reporters, I would tell you the truth.” – Chester A. Arthur
32. “When I hear a Democrat boasting himself of the age of his party, I feel like reminding him that there are other organized evils in the world older than the Democratic party.” – Benjamin Harrison
33. “I look forward to these dinners where I’m supposed to be funny… intentionally.” – George W. Bush
34. “My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” – Jimmy Carter
35. “At a time when funds for the defense budget may be cut, it’s comforting to see so many of the big guns from your industry still getting loaded.” – Gerald Ford
36. “I’m beginning to see why your wife left you.” – Joe Biden
37. “I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency– even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan
38. “I see one of my opponents has lost his head.” – William Howard Taft
39. “Missed me.” – Reagan (when he missed popping a balloon)
40. “America is one of the few places in the world where a “poor” person can still be obese.” – Donald Trump
41. “This is a tough hurricane, one of the wettest we’ve ever seen from the standpoint of water.” – Donald Trump
42. “The best thing I know about me, is that I’m rich.” – Donald Trump
43. “There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”
44. “I’m not surprised. But what for?” – Franklin D. Roosevelt,
45. “My only regrets after leaving office was that I did not shoot Henry Clay, and I didn’t hang John Calhoun.” – Andrew Jackson
46. “I am not fit for this office and should never have been here.” – Warren G. Harding
47. “I know human beings and fish can coexist peacefully.” – George W Bush
48. “(The pundits) said you can’t win in a year like this with a name like Obama. There was quite a bit of confusion at first, but it did get me free airtime on Al Jazeera.” – Barack Obama
49. “I couldn’t imagine someone like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah.” – George W. Bush
50. “I will not make age an issue of this campaign, I will not exploit for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience” – Ronald W. Reagan
51. “I’ve never seen a thin person drink Diet Coke.” – Donald Trump
52. “I see nothing wrong with giving Robert some legal experience as Attorney General before he goes out to practice law.” – John F. Kenndy
53. “Do you still believe in Santa? Because at 7 it’s marginal right?” – Trump
54. “Washington, DC, is 12 square miles bordered by reality.” – Andrew Johnson
55. “As I have heard since my arrival at this place, a circumstantial account of my death and dying speech, I take this early opportunity of contradicting the first and of assuring you, that I have not as yet composed the latter.” – George Washington
56. “Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” – Ronald Reagan
57. “After all, I believe in the first Amendment – not just because my good friend Jimmy Madison wrote it.” – Joe Biden
58. “Jesus that old cocksucker!” – Nixon
59. “Thanks Obama.” – Barack Obama
60. “[…] the decision of one man to launch a wholly unjustified and brutal invasion of Iraq. I mean of Ukraine. Iraq too. Anyway.” – George W. Bush
61. “Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg?” – Lyndon B. Johnson
62. “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” – George W. Bush
63. “Covfefe.” – Donald Trump
64. “I call upon all nations, to do everything they can, to stop these terrorist killers. Thank you. . . . now watch this drive.” – George W. Bush
65. “It’s hard to believe that this is my seventh year of pardoning turkeys. Time flies, even if turkeys don’t.” – Barack Obama
66. “We hold these truths to be self-evident. All men and women are created by the, you know, you know the thing.” – Joe Biden
67. “Do you mind if I sit back a little? Your breath is very bad.” – Donald Trump
68. “No one is prouder to put this birth-certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter – like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?” – Barack Obama
69. “Some people say I’m arrogant, aloof, condescending,” the president said at last year’s dinner. “Some people are so dumb.” – Barack Obama
70. “You okay? I want the press to know that wasn’t me.” – Biden
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