In this post, we have collected some of the most funny Seinfeld quotes that will definitely crack you up!
Let’s be real, Seinfeld isn’t just a TV show. It’s a mood, a lifestyle, and in many cases… a personality trait. Whether you’re a hardcore fan who can recite every line from “The Contest” or someone who just appreciates a perfectly timed “yada yada yada,” Seinfeld has a way of creeping into everyday life. It’s the show that made us feel like being awkward, petty, and slightly neurotic was actually totally normal.
The show has the ability to take the most random, mundane moments like waiting for a table, losing your car in a parking garage, breaking up over soup, and turning them into comedy gold. And the quotes? Absolutely legendary. From Jerry’s dry one-liners to George’s unintentional wisdom and Kramer’s off-the-wall antics, the show delivered some of the funniest, weirdest, and most relatable dialogue in sitcom history.
So if you’re in need of a laugh, a little nostalgia, or just want to scroll through quotes that remind you how weirdly accurate Seinfeld still is, you’re in the right place. These are the best and funniest Seinfeld quotes that continue to crack us up decades later.
Top Funny Seinfeld Quotes
1. “People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals.” – Jerry Seinfeld
2. “What’s the deal with lampshades? I mean, if it’s a lamp, why do you want shade?” – Jerry Seinfeld
3. “People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.” – Jerry Seinfeld
4. “Dad! There’s someone swimming in the river!” “No, son, that’s probably just a dead body.”
5. “You’re more you than you’ve ever been.”
6. “I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they’re thinking, “That’s why I’m not a heterosexual.” – George
7. “Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.” – Jerry Seinfeld
8. “If you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn’t say ‘God bless you.’ You should say, ‘You’re so good-looking!” – George Costanza
9. “My home, Elaine! Where I eat! Where I sleep! Where I come to play with my toys!”
10. Jerry: “Is this about me?” Elaine: “No.” Jerry: “Then I’ve lost interest.” – Jerry Seinfeld
11. “I love a good nap. Sometimes, it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.” – George Costanza
12. “Yeah, except you don’t really have any black friends. Outside of us, you don’t have any white friends either.”
13. “I gotta tell you about the existence of egg salad?!?”
14. “She said I wasn’t sponge-worthy. Wouldn’t waste a sponge on me.” – Jerry Seinfeld
15. “I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie.” – Elaine Benes
16. “Looking at cleavage is like looking into the Sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. You get a sense of it, then you look away.” – Jerry Seinfeld
17. “Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced, and now my Nana’s missing!”
18. “How can the same street intersect with itself?”
19. “You just cost yourself a soup!” – Cosmo Kramer
20. “A George divided against itself cannot stand!” – George Costanza
21. “Yeah, I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters.” – George Costanza
22. “You know you could have thrown a pencil out the window and seen if I’d gotten that back.”
23. “She’s a sentence finisher. It’s like dating Mad Libs.” – Jerry Seinfeld
24. “Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?”
25. Jerry: “You’re on a desert island; you can bring five books. Which five do you take?” George: “I gotta read five books?” – George Costanza
26. “It’s not fair people are seated first come, first served. It should be based on who’s hungriest.” – Elaine Benes
27. “I’m speechless. I’m without speech.” – Elaine Benes
28. “I can’t do this anymore; it’s too long! Just tell your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! Die!” – Elaine Benes
29. Elaine: “Ugh, I hate people.” Jerry: “Yeah, they’re the worst.” – Elaine Benes
30. “Yama hama, it’s fright night!” – Cosmo Kramer
31. “SHE HAD MAN HANDS.” – Jerry Seinfeld
32. “Damn you Seinfeld, you useless pustule!” – J. Peterman
33. “I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.” – George Costanza
34. “You stole my Jesus fish, didn’t ya?” – David Puddy
35. “So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an eclair in the receptacle and you think to yourself “What the hell, I’ll just eat some trash.”
36. “And you want to be my latex salesman?!….”
37. “Now, that was one magic loogie.”
38. “People this stupid shouldn’t be allowed to live.” – George Costanza
39. “but I don’t wanna be a cowboy!”
40. “I’ve been waiting for me to come along! And now that I have, I’ve swept me off my feet!”
41. “Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.” – George Costanza
42. “I’d just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.”
43. “I can’t be with someone who doesn’t break up nicely. It’s an important part of the relationship.” – Elaine Benes
44. “Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year’s gone by and how little we’ve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it’s not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing”
45. “It’s a game of world domination played by 2 men who barely control their own lives.”
46. “I just couldn’t decide if he was really sponge-worthy.” – Elaine Benes
47. “Answering machine! Boy I hate the idea of someone out there returning my calls.”
48. “Don’t you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I’d have to dress different. I’d have to act different. I’d have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I’d need a new bedspread and new curtains I’d have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I’d have to get new friends. I’d have to get orgy friends.”
49. “I CHOOSE NOT TO RUN!”
50. “I’m lactose intolerant. I have no patience for lactose, and I won’t stand for it.”
51. “I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian.” – Elaine Benes
52. “Food and sex. Those are my two passions.” – George Costanza
53. “You’re not artistic and you have no integrity.”
54. “Well, you know what they say, you don’t sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.” — Kramer
55. “Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?” — Jerry
56. “All of a sudden it hit me, I realized what the problem is: I can’t be with someone like me. I hate myself! If anything, I need to get the exact opposite of me. It’s too much. It’s too much, I can’t take it. I can’t take it.” — Jerry
57. “You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I’m on to something.”
58. “Mulva?”
59. “I’m going to save up every rupee. Someday I will get back to America, and when I do, I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very, very bad man.” — Babu Bhatt
60. “You’re through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!” — Elaine
61. “Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.” – George Costanza
62. “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.” — Jerry
63. “Hey, I eat healthy. If I have to take out an eye, that’s the breaks.”
64. “95% of the population is undateable!”
65. “I can’t carry a pen. I’m afraid I’ll puncture my scrotum.” – George Costanza
66. “Boy, imagine liking wigs to the point it becomes a career choice.”
67. “I’m not allowed to ask a Chinese person where a Chinese restaurant is? Aren’t we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean someone asks me which way is Israel, I don’t fly off the handle.”
68. “When he’s smoking a cigar, laughing at Elaine for getting back with puddy while she pays him his cash.”
69. “Oh what the hell, I’ll just eat some trash.”
70. “You are sssooooo good-lookin.”
71. “Just let me finish my coffee and we’ll go watch them slice this fat bastard up.” – Jerry Seinfeld
72. “I’ll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes me as long as it takes you away from me!”
73“You should’ve seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.” — George
74. “I’m a fancy boy.” – Jerry Seinfeld
75. “I want to be the one person who doesn’t die with dignity.” — George
76. “You’re a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. ‘Hey, denty!’ Next thing you know, you’re saying they should have their own schools.” — Kramer
77. “Do you know how hard it’s getting just to tell people I know you?”
78. “Wish I could take credit for it. It’s actually a line my butcher uses when we’re chewing the fat.”
79. “What is going on in this community?! Is it the heat, is it the muzak?! What is driving you to this behavior?!”
80. “You can really talk some trash. I guess it’s better than eating it.”
81. “I’m much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs.” – George Costanza
82. “I’m disturbed, I’m depressed, I’m inadequate. I’ve got it all!” – George Costanza
83. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” – George Costanza
84. “You know it’s funny, the tomato never took on as a hand fruit.” – George Costanza
85. “You know, you’re getting to be an annoying little chore yourself.”
86. “Oh no. I’ll tell you what you did, Caligula… You’ve combined food and sex into one disgusting, uncontrollable urge.”
87. “What are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar with your disgusting index fingers? This is a sickening display.”
88. “You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I’m onto something.” – Jerry Seinfeld
89. George: “I have a sixth sense.” Jerry: “Cheapness is not a sense.” – Jerry Seinfeld
90. “You’re a nice guy, but I actually only have three friends. I can’t really handle any more.” – Jerry Seinfeld
91. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” — Jerry Seinfeld
92. “Oh, I gotta get on that internet; I’m late on everything!” – George Costanza
93. “I can’t be with someone like me. I hate myself!” – Jerry Seinfeld
94. “I don’t know too many monkeys that can take apart a fuel injector.”
95. “Chickens salad’s not opposite of tuna, salmon is opposite of tuna because salmon swims against the current and the tuna swim with it.”
96. George: “I can sense the slightest hint of human suffering.” Jerry: “Are you sensing anything right now?”
97. “Buying fruit is a gamble, you know the risk going in.”
98. “I’M the ASS MAN.”
99. “If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.” – Jerry Seinfeld
100. “I’m so sorry, the correct answer is ‘the MOOPS’!”
101. “Why don’t you just tell me the ___ you’re looking for…”
102. “What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.” – Jerry Seinfeld
103. “These pretzels are making me thirsty.”
104. “The sea was angry that day my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup.”
105. “But I don’t want to be a pirate!” – Jerry Seinfeld
106. “Then from out of nowhere a huge title wave lifted, tossed like a cork and I found myself on top of him face to face with the blow-hole. I could barely see from all of the waves crashing down on top of me but I knew something was there so I reached my hand and pulled out the obstruction!”
107. “You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?” – Jerry
108. “Maybe the dingo ate your baby.” – Elaine
109. “I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!” – George
110. “I thought you said you were bringing a white boy home! I don’t see a white boy! I see a damn fool!”
111. “This woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her.” – George Costanza
112. “Never seen that before. Bird into a woman’s head.”
113. “Yeah, well the jerk store called and they’re running out of you!”
114. Gina: “A man is lying here unconscious and you’re afraid of him. What kind of a man are you?” Jerry: “I’m a man who respects a good coma.”
115. Jerry: “Kramer, he’s just a dentist.” Kramer: “Yeah, and you’re an anti-dentite.” Jerry: “I am not an anti-dentite!” Kramer: “You’re a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. “Hey, denty!” Next thing you know you’re saying they should have their own schools.” Jerry: “They do have their own schools!”
116. George: “I’ve never had a normal, medium orgasm.” Jerry: “I’ve never had a really good pickle!”
117. “Mr. Thomassoulo likes to play dirty. Well there’s nothing dirtier than a giant ball of oil.”
118. “If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn’t have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don’t rob somebody if you know their name!” — Kramer
119.George: “Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?”
120.“Don’t insult me, my friend. Remember who you’re talking to. No one’s a bigger idiot than me.” — George
121. “Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country?” – Jerry Seinfeld
122. “If you want to live in a butcher shop, I’m going to treat you like a piece of meat.”
123. “You’re swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?”
124. “Can I tell you something? And I say this with an impeccable record of staunch heterosexuality.” – George Costanza
125. “The pig says ‘My wife is a slut.’ ?!”
126. Kramer to Kruger: “Why, I’ve seen moles so big they have their own moles! Freckles that cover two men!”
127. Elaine: “I went out with this lawyer once. We went to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, yada, yada, yada. I never saw him again.” Jerry: “But you yada, yada’d over the best part.” Elaine: “No, I mentioned the bisque.”
128. Elaine: “Don’t you understand, David??! I’m going to hell!” Puddy: “Yeah, it’s gonna be rough.”
129. “What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses — like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?” — Jerry
130. “Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?” — Elaine
131. “Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.” – Jerry Seinfeld
132. “Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel.” — Newman
133. “You have the chicken, the hen, and the rooster. The chicken goes with the hen… So who is having sex with the rooster?” — Frank Costanza
134. “Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?” — George
135. “You can’t believe this woman. She’s one of those low-talkers. You can’t hear a word she’s saying! You’re always going ‘excuse me?’, ‘what was that?’” — Jerry
136. “Just remember, when you control the mail, you control… information.” — Newman
137. “I can’t stand kids. Adults think it’s so wonderful how honest kids are. I don’t need that kind of honesty. I’ll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day.” — George
138. “I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?” — Jerry
139. “Hey George, what do you like better? The ‘bro’ or the ‘mansiere’?” — Frank Costanza
140. “I think if one’s going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note — it’s common courtesy. I don’t know, that’s just the way I was brought up.” — George
141. “My name is George. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.” – George Costanza
142. “I’d rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good-looking blind woman doesn’t even know you’re not good enough for her.” — George
143. “She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster doofus. Am I a hipster doofus?” — Kramer
144. “I’m not a lesbian! I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian.” — Elaine
145. “Salad! What was I thinking? Women don’t respect salad eaters.” — Jerry
146. “You know the message you’re sending out to the world with sweatpants? You’re telling the world: ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’” — Jerry
147. “I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off.” — George
148. “The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli…” — George
149. “I can’t die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn’t die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?” — George
150. “Don’t insult me, my friend. Remember who you’re talking to. No one’s a bigger idiot than me.” – George Costanza
151. “What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It’s not like I’m running a marathon, I’m just lying there.” — Jerry
152. “I can’t do this anymore, it’s too long! Just tell your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! Die!” — Elaine
153. “He’s nice; bit of a close talker.” – Jerry Seinfeld
154. “Boxers! How do you wear these things!! They’re baggin’ up, they’re rising in! And there’s nothing holding me in place! I’m flippin’! I’m floppin’!” — Kramer
155. “Yeah, I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to give up.” — George
156. “I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic. It’s a pleasure.” – George Costanza
157. “If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me.” – George Costanza
158. “Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee… never went ‘Ha!’” — George
159. “I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.” — Elaine
160. “When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.” – George Costanza
161. “I don’t think I’ve ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.” — George
162. “Is it possible that I’m not as attractive as I think I am?” – Elaine Benes
163. “Like I don’t know I’m pathetic.” — George
164. “My dream is to become hopeless.” – George Costanza
The show may have ended in the late ’90s, but Seinfeld quotes have stuck with us, popping up in conversations, memes, and every group chat that spirals into “remember when…” territory. There’s just something timeless about the way the show tackled life’s little absurdities with so much wit and unapologetic honesty.
So the next time you find yourself in a painfully awkward social situation or just standing around doing absolutely nothing… channel your inner Seinfeld character, drop a quote, and make it weird in the best possible way. And remember: you’re not alone we’re all out here pretending to be masters of our domain.
Spread the laughter and share these funny Seinfeld quotes with your friends and family!
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