In this post, we’ll explore Steven Wright quotes, an American comedian known for his deadpan delivery, absurdist humor, and witty one-liners.
Steven Wright was born in Cambridge, Massachusetts, in 1955 and discovered his love for comedy while attending Emerson College. He began performing at local comedy clubs, quickly becoming famous for his unique style and clever observations. His comedy often explores the absurdity of everyday life with a calm, philosophical twist.
Wright shot to fame after appearing on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson in 1982. He then released successful comedy albums, such as I Have a Pony (1985), which earned him a Grammy nomination, and has acted in several films and TV shows.
Let’s read some of the best Steven Wright quotes that show his sharp wit and humor.
Funny Steven Wright Quotes
1. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
2. “What’s another word for Thesaurus?”
3. “Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”
4. “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”
5. “There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
6. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
7. “If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”
8. “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”
9. “I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”
10. “I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!”
11. “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”
12. “Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.”
13. “I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
14. “Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”
15. “I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”
16. “If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”
17. “When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.”
18. “OK, so what’s the speed of dark?”
19. “If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”
20. “I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”
21. “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”
22. “Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?”
23. “I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.”
24. “How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?”
25. “If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed.”
26. “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
27. “Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”
28. “Women. Can’t live with ’em, can’t shoot ’em.”
29. “If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
30. “What a nice night for an evening.”
31. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
32. “I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.”
33. “Hermits have no peer pressure.”
34. “They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.”
35. “Is it weird in here, or is it just me?”
36. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
37. “Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
38. “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
39. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
40. “If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”
41. “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
42. “If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
43. “It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”
44. “Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
45. “I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.”
46. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
47. “I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.”
48. “I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”
49. “For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
50. “I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.”
51. “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”
52. “I’m going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.”
53. “I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
54. “It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.”
55. “I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.”
56. “99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”
57. “I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time.”
58. “How young can you die of old age?”
59. “My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.”
60. “Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?”
61. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
62. “If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”
63. “My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”
64. “Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”
65. “I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”
66. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
67. “If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.”
68. “Half the people you know are below average.”
69. “Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.”
70. “Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”
71. “When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”
72. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
73. “Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote,’ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‘end quote.’”
74. “If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
75. “Last week I was…… No wait. That wasn’t me.”
76. “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
77. “The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
78. “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
79. “If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”
80. “When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”
81. “Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”
82. “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
83. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
84. “Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.”
85. “I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
86. “I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”
87. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
88. “It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.”
89. “You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.”
90. “Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”
91. “When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
92. “Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday.”
93. “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
94. “Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”
95. “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
96. “Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”
97. “I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.”
98. “Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”
99. “I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
100. “Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”
101. “I had amnesia once or twice.”
102. “If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?”
103. “Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I’m unfamiliar with… just to screw with my subconscious.”
104. “Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘Up Over’?”
105. “If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”
106. “I bought a cheap piece of land… It was on someone else’s property.”
107. “I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”
108. “What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?”
109. “How can there be self-help groups?”
These Steven Wright quotes reflect his ability to find hilarity in the mundane and the bizarre and it is this that has made him a favorite among comedy fans.
Which of these Steven Wright quotes is your most favorite?
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